army of love.

this weekend was so incredibly... refreashing.

I went to the Student Life Conference with my youth 

group in Houston and it was amazing.

my soul feels renewed, and challenged, and

drawn in, up, and out; it feels puzzled and

questioning and alive. ALIVE.

truly alive.

because I remember.

I finally remember who I used to be.

and I remember my first true love (my God)

whom I have forsaken.

I remember the height from which I have

fallen. and it shatters me.

I remember the love and peace I felt,

the confidence I had because of God

and the desire I had for Him.

I remember the friends He blessed me

with in that time in my life, and the

opportunities He opened up for me.

I remember that the only reason I got

to be where I am now, so separated from

God is solely my fault; that God has

been waiting for me to remember.

I remember.

and it feels amazing.

I also feel challenged because this weekend, 

I really felt a calling resounding in my heart.

it was like God opened up my soul and

whispered "I know you want to go to Africa,

but go in MY name. do it for ME, and you will

prosper. there will be a way eventually."

I don't want to go into missions.

I have emphatically said that.

I don't know why, but the idea of missions

doesn't appeal to me although the idea

of doing international humanitarian work

does, I have declared over and over, 

that I plan on doing humanitarian work-

not missions!

but apparently, my plan isn't how it's going

to work- He has a completely different 

idea about this whole thing than I do.

and to quote (or paraphrase) Francis Chan from this weekend,

"God created the universe and He has His way

of doing things, YOU may have a better way of doing things,

but you don't have a universe."

it's finally dawning on me though-

my heart belongs in a place I've never been.

it belongs with people I've never met.

and I wasn't the one to give it away,

that was all on His part.

I found this picture tonight and really, 

isn't she beautiful? who wouldn't want to do their part

to help the people she represents?

I am in an army of love,

we are spreading the truth to the world.

and I am, you are, we are the kingdom of God.

isn't it wonderful?

official

I will be attending Abilene Christian University in the fall of 2009.

it is official. officially official. :)

my mom and dad wrote out my enrollment deposit check

last week and mailed it in.

now, all I have to do is wait.

wait for college.

because heaven knows, high school sucks.

in the meantime, I'm getting really excited about all

of the preparations that go into college-

finding all of my dorm stuff,

meeting my roommate,

find out what dorm I'll be in...

there's so much. 

and I can't wait for it to start.

OH! and p.s. I'll be heading up to Abilene tomorrow with my mom

to interview for ACU's Presidential Scholarship for full tuition.

I think I can get it, but I'm not getting my hopes up...

college is looming,
decisions are being made,
applications filled out,
essays written,
colleges visited.

but high school isn't over.
despite all of the looking to the future,
we must remember to live also
in the here and now.
because this is it.
my last hurrah.

I can remember when
driving seemed so far away;
high school exotic;
and college a distant dream.

now living in the moment,
I stumble across moments
I know I'll always remember.
little clips which will play across
my mind years from now,
helping me remember these
days of endless bliss, tremendous
heartache and ever wasted time.

speeding down a country road
with Lauren in the passenger's
seat blaring "Where Is the Love?"

stealing kisses under the moon
and holding hands.

feeling such tremendous pain
I felt it would break me.
holding a shaking friend and
wishing it would all go away.
sitting in a car and confessing
that it should have been me,
wishing that I could do something,
anything to offer some relief.
wishing I could suffer instead of her.
and realizing that God had put
us together for a reason.

standing there that day feeling
the cold surrounding and beating me,
meeting eyes with someone
who had no more tears to offer
while I cried silently.
I'll always remember her face.

feeling love in such a real way,
in such a powerful way.
feeling like I would bust.

the sting of betrayal.
understanding that the world is
a real place, a bad place, a place
where you can't always trust.
the day I realized that I could
rise above all of it and
offer forgiveness.

the moment I realized that my
sister could be my friend.
calling her in tears and being greeted
with concern and love. taking her
wisdom and facing the world with
her supporting me and speaking
to me in truth and love.

(she's only the best sister in the world. and we're hotties. hahaaa...)

sitting trapped in a haphazard
fair ride beside my best friend
in the whole world, using more
than a few choice words from
start to stop of the ride.
deciding that the fair was not
a wonderful place and being
comforted by sno-cones but
alienated by Steve the Funnel Cake man.

(the fair sucks- eff the fair)

sitting on hardwood floors
talking to my brother.
realizing that the world isn't fair,
but that I could do my part to change it.

singing at the top of my lungs,
in a car with my best friends,
getting coffee and feeding our addictions.
acting silly and taking
advantage of our youth.

(feeding my ever growing addiction to coffee, while touring the Baylor campus)

yelling I love you across a school
foyer to my beautiful friends.
and trying to remind them that
they are beautiful in every single way.

scooping with one of my favorite people
who always sings a little flat, and can
make a sexual innuendo out of anything,
wondering where he's been all my life.

(I adore Cody. he's like the love of my life- let's scoop right now.)

dancing and singing,
laughing and jumping,
I'll remember the band practices
when we acted insane.
the guys jumping off of chairs
with their guitars;
remembering that joy that lives in us.
letting loose in the best possible way.

(singing in the band)

discovering me;
my tastes, my beliefs,
what's right for me.
changing and adapting,
facing those changes
but still missing the old me.

standing in front of everyone,
singing and wishing that all of
these kids knew how much of
a blessing they are and wishing
they knew how lucky they
were to be able to worship
with their friends.

one day, the late nights,
the lack of sleep, the low
and high grades, the GPA
and class rank won't matter.

it will be these moments.
the love,
the friends,
the kisses,
the pictures.
these are what
I'll have to remember it all by.

one is the loneliest number.

I found this quote a long time ago,

when I was going through a really

lonely, crappy time.

and it's always stuck with me...

"When you're surrounded by all these people,it can be even lonelier than when you're by yourself.You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anybody or talk to anybody,you feel like you're really alone."

-Fiona Apple

myspace blog

so I've been writing blogs for a long time.
and I have some that I really love on my myspace blog,
so I'm going to start just transferring them to this blog,
one at a time.

so here is #1:


right now I was just struck by the fragility of life.

we look at these bodies and they seem so inconquerable,
we fall and break a bone, but it can be mended.
we tear our skin; it can be healed.
we get sick; we take antibiotics.

we take for granted that the human body
is a fragile system that has a very specific balance.

we abuse our bodies, sleeping too little,
filling them with toxins like alcohol and coffee.
we should be caring for these precious temples.

you look at a life and you see a person
as a person, but do you see their soul?
do you see the people who love them?
the people they have changed or supported?

we hear of these tragedies on the news,
but do we really ever understand the loss?
does anyone really ever understand until
it touches them personally? until one day,
that person you pass everyday on the street
isn't there. that friend or family
member is gone. then you see how they
changed your life. or how they didn't.
how they could have.

you see a picture of someone,
and all you're seeing is a face.
but its the face of someone who
is no longer here. isn't it strange
to think that life can be taken
in an instant? the one thing
we're sure about in life is life.
it's all in the breathing and the
pumping of blood and oxygen,
those involuntary reactions that
keep us alive, but what about
when those reactions stop?
life has to end at some point;
but is anyone ever really ready?

this is why we push on,
why we take risks and
live and love as we do.
because even though
death is always inevitable,
we don't let it keep us from living.

my song.

this is my song. :)
you know- the one James wrote for me.







I love you James. <3

this day on

Today was not a high point in my life.
I try not to be dramatic, I try not to make too
much out of nothing, I try.
But I'm a teenager, and everything piles up
and eventually, it reaches that point
when everything just caves in on itself..
Today was that point.

Talking to James, over the course of
about 3 or more hours, I realized how bitter
I am. I harbor resentments in my heart
that should be let go of.
But James also helped me see how
I shouldn't necessarily trust everyone
because they say they're sorry and
try to make things right; there's a
difference between forgiving and forgetting.
and I haven't forgotten...
I wish I could. I wish things could
be the same for us, but they just can't.
I'm sorry. I try to still be there,
to be active in our friendships, but I
can feel my heart straying away...

Eventually, I'll have to cut those
bruised and rotten parts out of my life,
but not today. I imagine graduation will
take care of that for me.
and boy, am I ready to graduate
and move onto another part of my life.
I'm ready for new places, new faces,
new chances; a fresh start.

But from this day on, I refuse to be walked
all over. I refuse to be lied to. I refuse to
accept anything less than what I deserve.
I refuse to be involved in relationships
that are more give than take...
because those are the relationships
that leave me feeling empty and spent.

So, I'm begging you.. please don't use me.
Please don't take advantage of me.
I trust too easily, don't break me,
because I'm quite a bit empty,
and I imagine I could crack quite easily.