my song.

this is my song. :)
you know- the one James wrote for me.







I love you James. <3

this day on

Today was not a high point in my life.
I try not to be dramatic, I try not to make too
much out of nothing, I try.
But I'm a teenager, and everything piles up
and eventually, it reaches that point
when everything just caves in on itself..
Today was that point.

Talking to James, over the course of
about 3 or more hours, I realized how bitter
I am. I harbor resentments in my heart
that should be let go of.
But James also helped me see how
I shouldn't necessarily trust everyone
because they say they're sorry and
try to make things right; there's a
difference between forgiving and forgetting.
and I haven't forgotten...
I wish I could. I wish things could
be the same for us, but they just can't.
I'm sorry. I try to still be there,
to be active in our friendships, but I
can feel my heart straying away...

Eventually, I'll have to cut those
bruised and rotten parts out of my life,
but not today. I imagine graduation will
take care of that for me.
and boy, am I ready to graduate
and move onto another part of my life.
I'm ready for new places, new faces,
new chances; a fresh start.

But from this day on, I refuse to be walked
all over. I refuse to be lied to. I refuse to
accept anything less than what I deserve.
I refuse to be involved in relationships
that are more give than take...
because those are the relationships
that leave me feeling empty and spent.

So, I'm begging you.. please don't use me.
Please don't take advantage of me.
I trust too easily, don't break me,
because I'm quite a bit empty,
and I imagine I could crack quite easily.

ugh.

are the words "take advantage of me, I'll be nice" plastered all over me?
because when I look in the mirror, I don't see them, but they must be there somewhere...

I am sick of people I trust screwing me over.
it happens to me so often and I just get so discouraged with life.

the feeling is conflicting: I want to love my friends, but at
the same time, I know that I should be so angry with them...
it's infuriating- what I feel inside... I just don't
know what to do except stop trusting anyone.

ugh.

finding it all.

Did you know that only 20% of teenagers maintain their relationship with God after graduating from high school? that the other 80% either fall away or just don't have as great of a relationship as before? Well, those are the stats are continually being thrown my way.

You want to know something else? I had already accepted that I would be in the 80%.
Me: the singer in the worship band, the member of the youth group leadership team, the church member, the Jesus lover, the girl who has been branded "Katie the Christian" for the duration of high school.

I needed a break.

I was burned out, broken, and ready for a change. And I had decided: college would be that break. I was counting down the days until I left my youth group, the days until I left my house and was able to skip out on church and sleep in on Sunday mornings.

It wasn't something I was proud of, just something that I had accepted. I wasn't shouting this from the rooftops or even simply telling people, I kept it to myself and just waited.

I had prayed that I would be filled again, that I would feel that passion again. That something would happen to make me want Jesus again... but nothing did. And it grew convenient, I didn't need to talk to Jesus, I didn't need to consider Him in my decisions.

But then, I started to miss who I had been once before. Who I had been for my entire life. I miss that girl more than anything. I want to be her again.

So I waited.

Then came Andrew. He probably doesn't know this yet, but he's changed me. Anyone who meets Andrew can immediately tell he's different. He can make even the most adament non-believer see the possibilities of Christ, because of the way he loves people, he just reaches out to those who need a friend the most. And that's what he did for me.

Andrew started sharing his struggles with me. Listening to him made me see that it was okay to be open about it all. I could tell someone what was going on in my mind and heart. Or rather, what wasn't going on and I felt something inside of me changing, like something was waking up after being gone for a long long time.


So I told him. I told him that I felt burned out and alone, that I had just kind of accepted the I would be apart of that 80%. And he just listened.

Then, this past Sunday, I had a Bible Study at Starbucks with my friends Andrew, Nicole, James, and Aaron, where we read over the first two chapters of James and broke bread with each other. It was amazing! I felt alive for the first time in years. I wanted to learn about Jesus, I wanted to talk about Him and read His word and love Him and others with all my heart.

Talking to Andrew has made me realize that I can share my struggles, so I am. Right here, right now, I'll put them into words.

I keep on going from one extreme to the other; jumping from satisfaction with life to being completely shattered, feeling like I have no one in the world. For a long while, I felt like I didn't have any friends, and even if I did, they weren't good friends, not people I could talk to. No one to listen. I felt empty and alone, and when I would try to reach out to someone, they would shut me down, not take me seriously, or simply leave me hanging. I needed a friend. I needed someone to love me, need me, and listen to me.

And in the past four days, I have gotten that. God has given me new friends like Andrew and Nicole, and helped me renew my old friendships, like that with James, so that they're new in Christ. I don't feel as alone as I did just days ago.

So thank you. Thank you God, for renewing my heart.
I know this is only the beginning, and
I can't wait to see what will happen.

midterms

Midterms are over.
Midterms are over.
Have I mentioned that midterms are over?
Because they are.

and it's suddenly hitting me:
I will never have to take finals in
high school ever again.
I'll be exempting my finals at
the end of the school year, so it's
pretty much over. This is
the last time I will know the
stress that is particular to
Health Careers.
English, Diag, Economics,
they're all finished and I couldn't
be more satisfied.

there.

Scars

He has them.
She has them.
The lines and dashes,
The jagged and smooth.
Even the road has them.
They mean stories and change,
Pain and growth.
Proof that we lived despite it all.
Proof that we lived at all.
We hide them, we boast them.
Fresh and tender, dulled and numb.
Once or twice a year, or maybe
Everyday, we carefully cut
Them open to peer inside ourselves,
Seeing if we're whole again,
Only to stitch ourselves up yet again.
-January 14, 2009

not even in college

I'm not even in college and I already am wanting to change my major. But it's to be expected, I suppose. I had been hardcore on the Communication Sciences and Disorders path, but now I'm thinking I'd like to spend my life working as a humanitarian. I want to help people. I want to go to the places no one else wants to, the places no one else will go and help those people. There's hurting all over this world, and I want to be a part of the effort to stop that hurting. So I'm thinking that a sociology or international studies major might be the way to go. I could minor in something as well, and whenever I feel like finally settling down in the "American dream" I could become a counselor, or I could go back to school, or sit for my LSATs and try to become a lawyer.

Tonight, a friend of mine asked me why I wanted to do this, why it was that I seemed so sure that this was the way to go. I think that I'm called to do this. It just feels right.

but the part that is slightly harder to explain is this: what I'm talking about is not "missions".

I'm not feeling called to missions, but simply to the humanitarian side of it all.

My plans thus far are this: go to Abilene Christian University, get a degree, graduate, go into the Peace Corps, stay there for a while and who knows... if I come back to the states, then I'll try to work with organizations like the Peace Corps, UNICEF, the Red Cross, and others.

My thing is, I just can't picture myself falling into the perfectly laid out, predictable life plan. I don't see myself getting married right away and popping out babies... but who knows, maybe in four years I'll be on that path to 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.