going back.

highs and lows.
ups and downs.

always twisting,
always moving.

Driving down the winding roads to San Antonio, to go home, was wonderful. I had had a horrible week, and was really looking forward to being somewhere comfortable and familiar, with people I love and who love me in return.

And I wasn't disappointed.

Just spending time with my people -- my people -- was refreshing, renewing.
I saw my best friends,
I hugged my best friends,
I rejoiced in the having of my best friends.
I appreciated them even more
than I ever had before.

and now? now, I'm back in Abilene.
and I'm way happier than I have been.
after a wonderful weekend at home,
a weekend of rest and renewal,
I am able to be myself. I'm able
to cope with my problems and
be confident and friendly.
and it's wonderful.

so up and down.
high and low.
whatever.
I'll live.

getting married? having kids? whoa.

I am growing up.
I am growing up.
I am growing up.

whoa.

I'm actually able to
start thinking about
getting married.
about having kids.
and it's not completely
ridiculous.

I could be married within
like 5 years and it wouldn't
be freakishly weird.

this clip from scrubs
makes me think
and kind of makes me
want to start that part
of my life sooner rather
than later.

an appalling little tidbit

I discovered, realized recently, that what I pay to go to this lovely university, or what I would be paying without scholarships, is above and beyond (sometimes almost double) the poverty line in America. All I can think is: wow, why do I deserve this?

my new dandelion

I'm a dreamer,

a thinker,

and a doer.

But mostly,

I'm a wisher.

I wish for a better world.

I wish for safety.

I wish for love.

I wish for success.

I wish to make friends.

I wish to be a change.

Wishing is just something

I've always done.

blowing on the dandelion

& wishing for rain.

blowing out my birthday candles,

wishing for the perfect gift.

&now, I see a clock and it

says 11:11 and I wish that

you're looking at a clock too

and wishing for me,

thinking of me.

my last night

tonight is my last night to:

sleep in my own bed.

have dinner with my family.

live permanently in my parents' home.

snuggle with my pup.

be dependent.

I've packed up all of my things --

all of the stuff that I call "my life."

I've neatly folded and washed every piece of

clothing and sheets and towels.

I've stowed every special thing I own

and hold dear to my heart in some box

to be taped up and stuck in my car in the morning.

out, on, and up.

moving out.

moving on.

growing up.

As of Saturday, I will be living in the dorm.

As of August 24th, I'll be a real college kid.

I feel like it's practicing for the real thing.

For when I'm really truly out in the world;

when I'm truly independent and on my own.

And it's scary and exciting and I'm ecstatic that it's here.

So I've said goodbye to all my friends;

hugged each and every one.

And I'm finally ready.

I'm ready to rock and live life.

but tonight is still the last.

and it's still bittersweet.

so good night dear room,

with all my precious things,

I'll miss you all too soon.

saying 'i love you'

She says baby

It's 3 am I must be lonely

When she says baby

Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes

Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it

(3 AM, Matchbox Twenty)

At 1 o'clock, I sat on my bed talking to a comforting friend.

At 2 o'clock, I got up and took a shower to wash it all away.

Now it's 3 am, and I'm sitting on my bathroom floor wishing for sleep.

But I can't sleep, and it's because of one thing: love.

That horribly wonderful little thing that turns the whole world upside down.

Well the whole world doesn't have to turn, because I've fallen.

--even though it's not convenient, even though it hurts, and even though I know I'll have to say goodbye in the end (and the end always arrives much too soon), I have fallen.

This is the type of love that I can't help, I've fallen when I didn't want to and it caught me by surprise.

I've fallen into heartache and tears, but I'd rather be crying with him than smiling with anyone else.

So this is love. This feeling of intense connection and heartache mingled into something I feel I don't even have a choice about.

When I saw the break of day

I wished that I could fly away

Instead of kneeling in the sand

Catching teardrops in my hand

(Don’t Know Why, Norah Jones)

But I wouldn't trade it, this feeling, because I genuinely believe it is better to have loved and lost than… well, we all know that saying. And although it's terribly clichéd, I also know it's true.

So maybe this insomnia is simply a sign that my first love is truly something… he keeps drawing me in. And I know that when we say goodbye, though it won't be forever, it will hurt awfully hard.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that

you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

(Gravity, Sara Bareilles)

so in the end, I guess it comes down to this one little thing:

I love you.

1 4 3

graduation.

High school is over. I've done it! The diploma that was 13 years in the making has finally been reached and I can now enter the big, bad world. Looking back, I see how many people shaped my future and guided me to this place -- my friends, my family, my teachers, my church, my world.

&I can't believe it's over. But it really truly is. Never again shall I step foot in Health Careers High School as a student. And while it feels like a great victory, it also feels like a great loss; Health Careers was my home for 4 years. Four years full of love, hate, victory, loss, hope, despair, hard work, ambition, and determination. I hated it there, but came to love it because of the challenge -- the challenge to make it a place I knew and belonged.

but I know where I'm meant to be, what I'm meant to do, and how I'll get there.

the answer is: social work.

but that whole ideal is to be continued.

thanks Jesus

for dying for me.

you're freaking amazing.

I love you.

:)

the future

the future is coming.

and I can't wait.

but then I think about what I'm

leaving behind.

and I realize that even though

the memories may hurt me

to walk through, and the past may

ache to move on from,

I'm quite looking forward to

shedding this old skin of mine

and creating a new me.

a new life.

because I'm quite a bit sick

of where I am now.

I'm ready.

I really am.

Top 10+ Reasons I Love James

1. He's cocky and confident.
2. He's always there for me.
3. He loves Jesus.
4. He keeps me in check and is super honest.
5. He's my person.
6. One day we'll get married, make beige babies, adopt Asian babies and move to India.
7. I can tell him everything without being judged.
8. He lets me know I deserve better.
9. He lets me vent about life but tells me when I'm being stupid.
10. He gives the best hugs ever.
11. He writes me beautiful songs.
12. He's always been there and knows my past.
13. He understands when other people don't.
14. He's my fake boyfriend.
15. He can get up in my bubble without making me feel uncomfortable.
16. Because he's James. And there's no one else like him.

because he lets me write a silly blog instead of writing him a song.

ranting.

It breaks my heart because so many people in the world are dying for stupid reasons. Parasites, viruses, bacteria – these things can be easily prevented, but because of a lack of awareness and care, these causes are abandoned.

Clean water; clean water can make all the difference in the world. People get sick to begin with because of the contaminated water, so how are they supposed to get better if they continue drink the same water? Often treatments include hydrating the patient, but what if the water which they drink to remain hydrated is writhing with microscopic life? We take our clean water for granted. We drink water and complain when it tastes strangely because it is too clean. Thank God for clean water, because it is a miracle. All of the things in our lives we take for granted can consume us, we think of them as mundane, when to a child in Africa they can be miraculous.

Running water- a miracle.

Electricity- a miracle.

A grocery store- a miracle.

An MRI machine- a miracle.

A simple mosquito bite can mean the difference between life and death. Will I get malaria? West Nile Virus? Dengue Fever? Rift Valley Fever? The possibilities go from “never!” to “maybe” to “possibly” to “probably” to “definitely”. Why should someone die from Dengue Fever when something as simple as mosquito repellant could protect them? Right now, someone somewhere in the world is dying. They’re dying because a mosquito bit them. They kept drinking dirty water because there was no other option, and they don’t even know why they’re dying or hurting; they don’t know what’s happening to them. But I do. I know. I know that a single mosquito and life circumstances have put them on their death bed. So what am I supposed to do? What am I to do with this knowledge that was been given to me?

"We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” --Mother Teresa

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.”  --Mother Teresa

POINTLESS DISEASE/CONDITIONS RUNNING RAMPANT IN AFRICA

Amebiasis

Cholera

Dengue Fever

Ebola

Giardiasis

Guinea-Worm

Hepatitis

HIV/AIDS

Hookworm

Jaundice

Leishmaniasis

Lymphatic Filariasis

Malaria

Malnutrition

Onchocerciasis

Polio

Schistosomiasis

Syphilis

Trypanosomiasis

Tuberculosis

Typhoid

Yellow Fever

army of love.

this weekend was so incredibly... refreashing.

I went to the Student Life Conference with my youth 

group in Houston and it was amazing.

my soul feels renewed, and challenged, and

drawn in, up, and out; it feels puzzled and

questioning and alive. ALIVE.

truly alive.

because I remember.

I finally remember who I used to be.

and I remember my first true love (my God)

whom I have forsaken.

I remember the height from which I have

fallen. and it shatters me.

I remember the love and peace I felt,

the confidence I had because of God

and the desire I had for Him.

I remember the friends He blessed me

with in that time in my life, and the

opportunities He opened up for me.

I remember that the only reason I got

to be where I am now, so separated from

God is solely my fault; that God has

been waiting for me to remember.

I remember.

and it feels amazing.

I also feel challenged because this weekend, 

I really felt a calling resounding in my heart.

it was like God opened up my soul and

whispered "I know you want to go to Africa,

but go in MY name. do it for ME, and you will

prosper. there will be a way eventually."

I don't want to go into missions.

I have emphatically said that.

I don't know why, but the idea of missions

doesn't appeal to me although the idea

of doing international humanitarian work

does, I have declared over and over, 

that I plan on doing humanitarian work-

not missions!

but apparently, my plan isn't how it's going

to work- He has a completely different 

idea about this whole thing than I do.

and to quote (or paraphrase) Francis Chan from this weekend,

"God created the universe and He has His way

of doing things, YOU may have a better way of doing things,

but you don't have a universe."

it's finally dawning on me though-

my heart belongs in a place I've never been.

it belongs with people I've never met.

and I wasn't the one to give it away,

that was all on His part.

I found this picture tonight and really, 

isn't she beautiful? who wouldn't want to do their part

to help the people she represents?

I am in an army of love,

we are spreading the truth to the world.

and I am, you are, we are the kingdom of God.

isn't it wonderful?

official

I will be attending Abilene Christian University in the fall of 2009.

it is official. officially official. :)

my mom and dad wrote out my enrollment deposit check

last week and mailed it in.

now, all I have to do is wait.

wait for college.

because heaven knows, high school sucks.

in the meantime, I'm getting really excited about all

of the preparations that go into college-

finding all of my dorm stuff,

meeting my roommate,

find out what dorm I'll be in...

there's so much. 

and I can't wait for it to start.

OH! and p.s. I'll be heading up to Abilene tomorrow with my mom

to interview for ACU's Presidential Scholarship for full tuition.

I think I can get it, but I'm not getting my hopes up...

college is looming,
decisions are being made,
applications filled out,
essays written,
colleges visited.

but high school isn't over.
despite all of the looking to the future,
we must remember to live also
in the here and now.
because this is it.
my last hurrah.

I can remember when
driving seemed so far away;
high school exotic;
and college a distant dream.

now living in the moment,
I stumble across moments
I know I'll always remember.
little clips which will play across
my mind years from now,
helping me remember these
days of endless bliss, tremendous
heartache and ever wasted time.

speeding down a country road
with Lauren in the passenger's
seat blaring "Where Is the Love?"

stealing kisses under the moon
and holding hands.

feeling such tremendous pain
I felt it would break me.
holding a shaking friend and
wishing it would all go away.
sitting in a car and confessing
that it should have been me,
wishing that I could do something,
anything to offer some relief.
wishing I could suffer instead of her.
and realizing that God had put
us together for a reason.

standing there that day feeling
the cold surrounding and beating me,
meeting eyes with someone
who had no more tears to offer
while I cried silently.
I'll always remember her face.

feeling love in such a real way,
in such a powerful way.
feeling like I would bust.

the sting of betrayal.
understanding that the world is
a real place, a bad place, a place
where you can't always trust.
the day I realized that I could
rise above all of it and
offer forgiveness.

the moment I realized that my
sister could be my friend.
calling her in tears and being greeted
with concern and love. taking her
wisdom and facing the world with
her supporting me and speaking
to me in truth and love.

(she's only the best sister in the world. and we're hotties. hahaaa...)

sitting trapped in a haphazard
fair ride beside my best friend
in the whole world, using more
than a few choice words from
start to stop of the ride.
deciding that the fair was not
a wonderful place and being
comforted by sno-cones but
alienated by Steve the Funnel Cake man.

(the fair sucks- eff the fair)

sitting on hardwood floors
talking to my brother.
realizing that the world isn't fair,
but that I could do my part to change it.

singing at the top of my lungs,
in a car with my best friends,
getting coffee and feeding our addictions.
acting silly and taking
advantage of our youth.

(feeding my ever growing addiction to coffee, while touring the Baylor campus)

yelling I love you across a school
foyer to my beautiful friends.
and trying to remind them that
they are beautiful in every single way.

scooping with one of my favorite people
who always sings a little flat, and can
make a sexual innuendo out of anything,
wondering where he's been all my life.

(I adore Cody. he's like the love of my life- let's scoop right now.)

dancing and singing,
laughing and jumping,
I'll remember the band practices
when we acted insane.
the guys jumping off of chairs
with their guitars;
remembering that joy that lives in us.
letting loose in the best possible way.

(singing in the band)

discovering me;
my tastes, my beliefs,
what's right for me.
changing and adapting,
facing those changes
but still missing the old me.

standing in front of everyone,
singing and wishing that all of
these kids knew how much of
a blessing they are and wishing
they knew how lucky they
were to be able to worship
with their friends.

one day, the late nights,
the lack of sleep, the low
and high grades, the GPA
and class rank won't matter.

it will be these moments.
the love,
the friends,
the kisses,
the pictures.
these are what
I'll have to remember it all by.

one is the loneliest number.

I found this quote a long time ago,

when I was going through a really

lonely, crappy time.

and it's always stuck with me...

"When you're surrounded by all these people,it can be even lonelier than when you're by yourself.You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anybody or talk to anybody,you feel like you're really alone."

-Fiona Apple

myspace blog

so I've been writing blogs for a long time.
and I have some that I really love on my myspace blog,
so I'm going to start just transferring them to this blog,
one at a time.

so here is #1:


right now I was just struck by the fragility of life.

we look at these bodies and they seem so inconquerable,
we fall and break a bone, but it can be mended.
we tear our skin; it can be healed.
we get sick; we take antibiotics.

we take for granted that the human body
is a fragile system that has a very specific balance.

we abuse our bodies, sleeping too little,
filling them with toxins like alcohol and coffee.
we should be caring for these precious temples.

you look at a life and you see a person
as a person, but do you see their soul?
do you see the people who love them?
the people they have changed or supported?

we hear of these tragedies on the news,
but do we really ever understand the loss?
does anyone really ever understand until
it touches them personally? until one day,
that person you pass everyday on the street
isn't there. that friend or family
member is gone. then you see how they
changed your life. or how they didn't.
how they could have.

you see a picture of someone,
and all you're seeing is a face.
but its the face of someone who
is no longer here. isn't it strange
to think that life can be taken
in an instant? the one thing
we're sure about in life is life.
it's all in the breathing and the
pumping of blood and oxygen,
those involuntary reactions that
keep us alive, but what about
when those reactions stop?
life has to end at some point;
but is anyone ever really ready?

this is why we push on,
why we take risks and
live and love as we do.
because even though
death is always inevitable,
we don't let it keep us from living.

my song.

this is my song. :)
you know- the one James wrote for me.







I love you James. <3

this day on

Today was not a high point in my life.
I try not to be dramatic, I try not to make too
much out of nothing, I try.
But I'm a teenager, and everything piles up
and eventually, it reaches that point
when everything just caves in on itself..
Today was that point.

Talking to James, over the course of
about 3 or more hours, I realized how bitter
I am. I harbor resentments in my heart
that should be let go of.
But James also helped me see how
I shouldn't necessarily trust everyone
because they say they're sorry and
try to make things right; there's a
difference between forgiving and forgetting.
and I haven't forgotten...
I wish I could. I wish things could
be the same for us, but they just can't.
I'm sorry. I try to still be there,
to be active in our friendships, but I
can feel my heart straying away...

Eventually, I'll have to cut those
bruised and rotten parts out of my life,
but not today. I imagine graduation will
take care of that for me.
and boy, am I ready to graduate
and move onto another part of my life.
I'm ready for new places, new faces,
new chances; a fresh start.

But from this day on, I refuse to be walked
all over. I refuse to be lied to. I refuse to
accept anything less than what I deserve.
I refuse to be involved in relationships
that are more give than take...
because those are the relationships
that leave me feeling empty and spent.

So, I'm begging you.. please don't use me.
Please don't take advantage of me.
I trust too easily, don't break me,
because I'm quite a bit empty,
and I imagine I could crack quite easily.

ugh.

are the words "take advantage of me, I'll be nice" plastered all over me?
because when I look in the mirror, I don't see them, but they must be there somewhere...

I am sick of people I trust screwing me over.
it happens to me so often and I just get so discouraged with life.

the feeling is conflicting: I want to love my friends, but at
the same time, I know that I should be so angry with them...
it's infuriating- what I feel inside... I just don't
know what to do except stop trusting anyone.

ugh.

finding it all.

Did you know that only 20% of teenagers maintain their relationship with God after graduating from high school? that the other 80% either fall away or just don't have as great of a relationship as before? Well, those are the stats are continually being thrown my way.

You want to know something else? I had already accepted that I would be in the 80%.
Me: the singer in the worship band, the member of the youth group leadership team, the church member, the Jesus lover, the girl who has been branded "Katie the Christian" for the duration of high school.

I needed a break.

I was burned out, broken, and ready for a change. And I had decided: college would be that break. I was counting down the days until I left my youth group, the days until I left my house and was able to skip out on church and sleep in on Sunday mornings.

It wasn't something I was proud of, just something that I had accepted. I wasn't shouting this from the rooftops or even simply telling people, I kept it to myself and just waited.

I had prayed that I would be filled again, that I would feel that passion again. That something would happen to make me want Jesus again... but nothing did. And it grew convenient, I didn't need to talk to Jesus, I didn't need to consider Him in my decisions.

But then, I started to miss who I had been once before. Who I had been for my entire life. I miss that girl more than anything. I want to be her again.

So I waited.

Then came Andrew. He probably doesn't know this yet, but he's changed me. Anyone who meets Andrew can immediately tell he's different. He can make even the most adament non-believer see the possibilities of Christ, because of the way he loves people, he just reaches out to those who need a friend the most. And that's what he did for me.

Andrew started sharing his struggles with me. Listening to him made me see that it was okay to be open about it all. I could tell someone what was going on in my mind and heart. Or rather, what wasn't going on and I felt something inside of me changing, like something was waking up after being gone for a long long time.


So I told him. I told him that I felt burned out and alone, that I had just kind of accepted the I would be apart of that 80%. And he just listened.

Then, this past Sunday, I had a Bible Study at Starbucks with my friends Andrew, Nicole, James, and Aaron, where we read over the first two chapters of James and broke bread with each other. It was amazing! I felt alive for the first time in years. I wanted to learn about Jesus, I wanted to talk about Him and read His word and love Him and others with all my heart.

Talking to Andrew has made me realize that I can share my struggles, so I am. Right here, right now, I'll put them into words.

I keep on going from one extreme to the other; jumping from satisfaction with life to being completely shattered, feeling like I have no one in the world. For a long while, I felt like I didn't have any friends, and even if I did, they weren't good friends, not people I could talk to. No one to listen. I felt empty and alone, and when I would try to reach out to someone, they would shut me down, not take me seriously, or simply leave me hanging. I needed a friend. I needed someone to love me, need me, and listen to me.

And in the past four days, I have gotten that. God has given me new friends like Andrew and Nicole, and helped me renew my old friendships, like that with James, so that they're new in Christ. I don't feel as alone as I did just days ago.

So thank you. Thank you God, for renewing my heart.
I know this is only the beginning, and
I can't wait to see what will happen.

midterms

Midterms are over.
Midterms are over.
Have I mentioned that midterms are over?
Because they are.

and it's suddenly hitting me:
I will never have to take finals in
high school ever again.
I'll be exempting my finals at
the end of the school year, so it's
pretty much over. This is
the last time I will know the
stress that is particular to
Health Careers.
English, Diag, Economics,
they're all finished and I couldn't
be more satisfied.

there.

Scars

He has them.
She has them.
The lines and dashes,
The jagged and smooth.
Even the road has them.
They mean stories and change,
Pain and growth.
Proof that we lived despite it all.
Proof that we lived at all.
We hide them, we boast them.
Fresh and tender, dulled and numb.
Once or twice a year, or maybe
Everyday, we carefully cut
Them open to peer inside ourselves,
Seeing if we're whole again,
Only to stitch ourselves up yet again.
-January 14, 2009

not even in college

I'm not even in college and I already am wanting to change my major. But it's to be expected, I suppose. I had been hardcore on the Communication Sciences and Disorders path, but now I'm thinking I'd like to spend my life working as a humanitarian. I want to help people. I want to go to the places no one else wants to, the places no one else will go and help those people. There's hurting all over this world, and I want to be a part of the effort to stop that hurting. So I'm thinking that a sociology or international studies major might be the way to go. I could minor in something as well, and whenever I feel like finally settling down in the "American dream" I could become a counselor, or I could go back to school, or sit for my LSATs and try to become a lawyer.

Tonight, a friend of mine asked me why I wanted to do this, why it was that I seemed so sure that this was the way to go. I think that I'm called to do this. It just feels right.

but the part that is slightly harder to explain is this: what I'm talking about is not "missions".

I'm not feeling called to missions, but simply to the humanitarian side of it all.

My plans thus far are this: go to Abilene Christian University, get a degree, graduate, go into the Peace Corps, stay there for a while and who knows... if I come back to the states, then I'll try to work with organizations like the Peace Corps, UNICEF, the Red Cross, and others.

My thing is, I just can't picture myself falling into the perfectly laid out, predictable life plan. I don't see myself getting married right away and popping out babies... but who knows, maybe in four years I'll be on that path to 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.