saying 'i love you'

She says baby

It's 3 am I must be lonely

When she says baby

Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes

Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it

(3 AM, Matchbox Twenty)

At 1 o'clock, I sat on my bed talking to a comforting friend.

At 2 o'clock, I got up and took a shower to wash it all away.

Now it's 3 am, and I'm sitting on my bathroom floor wishing for sleep.

But I can't sleep, and it's because of one thing: love.

That horribly wonderful little thing that turns the whole world upside down.

Well the whole world doesn't have to turn, because I've fallen.

--even though it's not convenient, even though it hurts, and even though I know I'll have to say goodbye in the end (and the end always arrives much too soon), I have fallen.

This is the type of love that I can't help, I've fallen when I didn't want to and it caught me by surprise.

I've fallen into heartache and tears, but I'd rather be crying with him than smiling with anyone else.

So this is love. This feeling of intense connection and heartache mingled into something I feel I don't even have a choice about.

When I saw the break of day

I wished that I could fly away

Instead of kneeling in the sand

Catching teardrops in my hand

(Don’t Know Why, Norah Jones)

But I wouldn't trade it, this feeling, because I genuinely believe it is better to have loved and lost than… well, we all know that saying. And although it's terribly clichéd, I also know it's true.

So maybe this insomnia is simply a sign that my first love is truly something… he keeps drawing me in. And I know that when we say goodbye, though it won't be forever, it will hurt awfully hard.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that

you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

(Gravity, Sara Bareilles)

so in the end, I guess it comes down to this one little thing:

I love you.

1 4 3

graduation.

High school is over. I've done it! The diploma that was 13 years in the making has finally been reached and I can now enter the big, bad world. Looking back, I see how many people shaped my future and guided me to this place -- my friends, my family, my teachers, my church, my world.

&I can't believe it's over. But it really truly is. Never again shall I step foot in Health Careers High School as a student. And while it feels like a great victory, it also feels like a great loss; Health Careers was my home for 4 years. Four years full of love, hate, victory, loss, hope, despair, hard work, ambition, and determination. I hated it there, but came to love it because of the challenge -- the challenge to make it a place I knew and belonged.

but I know where I'm meant to be, what I'm meant to do, and how I'll get there.

the answer is: social work.

but that whole ideal is to be continued.

thanks Jesus

for dying for me.

you're freaking amazing.

I love you.

:)

the future

the future is coming.

and I can't wait.

but then I think about what I'm

leaving behind.

and I realize that even though

the memories may hurt me

to walk through, and the past may

ache to move on from,

I'm quite looking forward to

shedding this old skin of mine

and creating a new me.

a new life.

because I'm quite a bit sick

of where I am now.

I'm ready.

I really am.

Top 10+ Reasons I Love James

1. He's cocky and confident.
2. He's always there for me.
3. He loves Jesus.
4. He keeps me in check and is super honest.
5. He's my person.
6. One day we'll get married, make beige babies, adopt Asian babies and move to India.
7. I can tell him everything without being judged.
8. He lets me know I deserve better.
9. He lets me vent about life but tells me when I'm being stupid.
10. He gives the best hugs ever.
11. He writes me beautiful songs.
12. He's always been there and knows my past.
13. He understands when other people don't.
14. He's my fake boyfriend.
15. He can get up in my bubble without making me feel uncomfortable.
16. Because he's James. And there's no one else like him.

because he lets me write a silly blog instead of writing him a song.

ranting.

It breaks my heart because so many people in the world are dying for stupid reasons. Parasites, viruses, bacteria – these things can be easily prevented, but because of a lack of awareness and care, these causes are abandoned.

Clean water; clean water can make all the difference in the world. People get sick to begin with because of the contaminated water, so how are they supposed to get better if they continue drink the same water? Often treatments include hydrating the patient, but what if the water which they drink to remain hydrated is writhing with microscopic life? We take our clean water for granted. We drink water and complain when it tastes strangely because it is too clean. Thank God for clean water, because it is a miracle. All of the things in our lives we take for granted can consume us, we think of them as mundane, when to a child in Africa they can be miraculous.

Running water- a miracle.

Electricity- a miracle.

A grocery store- a miracle.

An MRI machine- a miracle.

A simple mosquito bite can mean the difference between life and death. Will I get malaria? West Nile Virus? Dengue Fever? Rift Valley Fever? The possibilities go from “never!” to “maybe” to “possibly” to “probably” to “definitely”. Why should someone die from Dengue Fever when something as simple as mosquito repellant could protect them? Right now, someone somewhere in the world is dying. They’re dying because a mosquito bit them. They kept drinking dirty water because there was no other option, and they don’t even know why they’re dying or hurting; they don’t know what’s happening to them. But I do. I know. I know that a single mosquito and life circumstances have put them on their death bed. So what am I supposed to do? What am I to do with this knowledge that was been given to me?

"We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” --Mother Teresa

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.”  --Mother Teresa

POINTLESS DISEASE/CONDITIONS RUNNING RAMPANT IN AFRICA

Amebiasis

Cholera

Dengue Fever

Ebola

Giardiasis

Guinea-Worm

Hepatitis

HIV/AIDS

Hookworm

Jaundice

Leishmaniasis

Lymphatic Filariasis

Malaria

Malnutrition

Onchocerciasis

Polio

Schistosomiasis

Syphilis

Trypanosomiasis

Tuberculosis

Typhoid

Yellow Fever

army of love.

this weekend was so incredibly... refreashing.

I went to the Student Life Conference with my youth 

group in Houston and it was amazing.

my soul feels renewed, and challenged, and

drawn in, up, and out; it feels puzzled and

questioning and alive. ALIVE.

truly alive.

because I remember.

I finally remember who I used to be.

and I remember my first true love (my God)

whom I have forsaken.

I remember the height from which I have

fallen. and it shatters me.

I remember the love and peace I felt,

the confidence I had because of God

and the desire I had for Him.

I remember the friends He blessed me

with in that time in my life, and the

opportunities He opened up for me.

I remember that the only reason I got

to be where I am now, so separated from

God is solely my fault; that God has

been waiting for me to remember.

I remember.

and it feels amazing.

I also feel challenged because this weekend, 

I really felt a calling resounding in my heart.

it was like God opened up my soul and

whispered "I know you want to go to Africa,

but go in MY name. do it for ME, and you will

prosper. there will be a way eventually."

I don't want to go into missions.

I have emphatically said that.

I don't know why, but the idea of missions

doesn't appeal to me although the idea

of doing international humanitarian work

does, I have declared over and over, 

that I plan on doing humanitarian work-

not missions!

but apparently, my plan isn't how it's going

to work- He has a completely different 

idea about this whole thing than I do.

and to quote (or paraphrase) Francis Chan from this weekend,

"God created the universe and He has His way

of doing things, YOU may have a better way of doing things,

but you don't have a universe."

it's finally dawning on me though-

my heart belongs in a place I've never been.

it belongs with people I've never met.

and I wasn't the one to give it away,

that was all on His part.

I found this picture tonight and really, 

isn't she beautiful? who wouldn't want to do their part

to help the people she represents?

I am in an army of love,

we are spreading the truth to the world.

and I am, you are, we are the kingdom of God.

isn't it wonderful?