the future

the future is coming.

and I can't wait.

but then I think about what I'm

leaving behind.

and I realize that even though

the memories may hurt me

to walk through, and the past may

ache to move on from,

I'm quite looking forward to

shedding this old skin of mine

and creating a new me.

a new life.

because I'm quite a bit sick

of where I am now.

I'm ready.

I really am.

Top 10+ Reasons I Love James

1. He's cocky and confident.
2. He's always there for me.
3. He loves Jesus.
4. He keeps me in check and is super honest.
5. He's my person.
6. One day we'll get married, make beige babies, adopt Asian babies and move to India.
7. I can tell him everything without being judged.
8. He lets me know I deserve better.
9. He lets me vent about life but tells me when I'm being stupid.
10. He gives the best hugs ever.
11. He writes me beautiful songs.
12. He's always been there and knows my past.
13. He understands when other people don't.
14. He's my fake boyfriend.
15. He can get up in my bubble without making me feel uncomfortable.
16. Because he's James. And there's no one else like him.

because he lets me write a silly blog instead of writing him a song.

ranting.

It breaks my heart because so many people in the world are dying for stupid reasons. Parasites, viruses, bacteria – these things can be easily prevented, but because of a lack of awareness and care, these causes are abandoned.

Clean water; clean water can make all the difference in the world. People get sick to begin with because of the contaminated water, so how are they supposed to get better if they continue drink the same water? Often treatments include hydrating the patient, but what if the water which they drink to remain hydrated is writhing with microscopic life? We take our clean water for granted. We drink water and complain when it tastes strangely because it is too clean. Thank God for clean water, because it is a miracle. All of the things in our lives we take for granted can consume us, we think of them as mundane, when to a child in Africa they can be miraculous.

Running water- a miracle.

Electricity- a miracle.

A grocery store- a miracle.

An MRI machine- a miracle.

A simple mosquito bite can mean the difference between life and death. Will I get malaria? West Nile Virus? Dengue Fever? Rift Valley Fever? The possibilities go from “never!” to “maybe” to “possibly” to “probably” to “definitely”. Why should someone die from Dengue Fever when something as simple as mosquito repellant could protect them? Right now, someone somewhere in the world is dying. They’re dying because a mosquito bit them. They kept drinking dirty water because there was no other option, and they don’t even know why they’re dying or hurting; they don’t know what’s happening to them. But I do. I know. I know that a single mosquito and life circumstances have put them on their death bed. So what am I supposed to do? What am I to do with this knowledge that was been given to me?

"We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” --Mother Teresa

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.”  --Mother Teresa

POINTLESS DISEASE/CONDITIONS RUNNING RAMPANT IN AFRICA

Amebiasis

Cholera

Dengue Fever

Ebola

Giardiasis

Guinea-Worm

Hepatitis

HIV/AIDS

Hookworm

Jaundice

Leishmaniasis

Lymphatic Filariasis

Malaria

Malnutrition

Onchocerciasis

Polio

Schistosomiasis

Syphilis

Trypanosomiasis

Tuberculosis

Typhoid

Yellow Fever

army of love.

this weekend was so incredibly... refreashing.

I went to the Student Life Conference with my youth 

group in Houston and it was amazing.

my soul feels renewed, and challenged, and

drawn in, up, and out; it feels puzzled and

questioning and alive. ALIVE.

truly alive.

because I remember.

I finally remember who I used to be.

and I remember my first true love (my God)

whom I have forsaken.

I remember the height from which I have

fallen. and it shatters me.

I remember the love and peace I felt,

the confidence I had because of God

and the desire I had for Him.

I remember the friends He blessed me

with in that time in my life, and the

opportunities He opened up for me.

I remember that the only reason I got

to be where I am now, so separated from

God is solely my fault; that God has

been waiting for me to remember.

I remember.

and it feels amazing.

I also feel challenged because this weekend, 

I really felt a calling resounding in my heart.

it was like God opened up my soul and

whispered "I know you want to go to Africa,

but go in MY name. do it for ME, and you will

prosper. there will be a way eventually."

I don't want to go into missions.

I have emphatically said that.

I don't know why, but the idea of missions

doesn't appeal to me although the idea

of doing international humanitarian work

does, I have declared over and over, 

that I plan on doing humanitarian work-

not missions!

but apparently, my plan isn't how it's going

to work- He has a completely different 

idea about this whole thing than I do.

and to quote (or paraphrase) Francis Chan from this weekend,

"God created the universe and He has His way

of doing things, YOU may have a better way of doing things,

but you don't have a universe."

it's finally dawning on me though-

my heart belongs in a place I've never been.

it belongs with people I've never met.

and I wasn't the one to give it away,

that was all on His part.

I found this picture tonight and really, 

isn't she beautiful? who wouldn't want to do their part

to help the people she represents?

I am in an army of love,

we are spreading the truth to the world.

and I am, you are, we are the kingdom of God.

isn't it wonderful?

official

I will be attending Abilene Christian University in the fall of 2009.

it is official. officially official. :)

my mom and dad wrote out my enrollment deposit check

last week and mailed it in.

now, all I have to do is wait.

wait for college.

because heaven knows, high school sucks.

in the meantime, I'm getting really excited about all

of the preparations that go into college-

finding all of my dorm stuff,

meeting my roommate,

find out what dorm I'll be in...

there's so much. 

and I can't wait for it to start.

OH! and p.s. I'll be heading up to Abilene tomorrow with my mom

to interview for ACU's Presidential Scholarship for full tuition.

I think I can get it, but I'm not getting my hopes up...

college is looming,
decisions are being made,
applications filled out,
essays written,
colleges visited.

but high school isn't over.
despite all of the looking to the future,
we must remember to live also
in the here and now.
because this is it.
my last hurrah.

I can remember when
driving seemed so far away;
high school exotic;
and college a distant dream.

now living in the moment,
I stumble across moments
I know I'll always remember.
little clips which will play across
my mind years from now,
helping me remember these
days of endless bliss, tremendous
heartache and ever wasted time.

speeding down a country road
with Lauren in the passenger's
seat blaring "Where Is the Love?"

stealing kisses under the moon
and holding hands.

feeling such tremendous pain
I felt it would break me.
holding a shaking friend and
wishing it would all go away.
sitting in a car and confessing
that it should have been me,
wishing that I could do something,
anything to offer some relief.
wishing I could suffer instead of her.
and realizing that God had put
us together for a reason.

standing there that day feeling
the cold surrounding and beating me,
meeting eyes with someone
who had no more tears to offer
while I cried silently.
I'll always remember her face.

feeling love in such a real way,
in such a powerful way.
feeling like I would bust.

the sting of betrayal.
understanding that the world is
a real place, a bad place, a place
where you can't always trust.
the day I realized that I could
rise above all of it and
offer forgiveness.

the moment I realized that my
sister could be my friend.
calling her in tears and being greeted
with concern and love. taking her
wisdom and facing the world with
her supporting me and speaking
to me in truth and love.

(she's only the best sister in the world. and we're hotties. hahaaa...)

sitting trapped in a haphazard
fair ride beside my best friend
in the whole world, using more
than a few choice words from
start to stop of the ride.
deciding that the fair was not
a wonderful place and being
comforted by sno-cones but
alienated by Steve the Funnel Cake man.

(the fair sucks- eff the fair)

sitting on hardwood floors
talking to my brother.
realizing that the world isn't fair,
but that I could do my part to change it.

singing at the top of my lungs,
in a car with my best friends,
getting coffee and feeding our addictions.
acting silly and taking
advantage of our youth.

(feeding my ever growing addiction to coffee, while touring the Baylor campus)

yelling I love you across a school
foyer to my beautiful friends.
and trying to remind them that
they are beautiful in every single way.

scooping with one of my favorite people
who always sings a little flat, and can
make a sexual innuendo out of anything,
wondering where he's been all my life.

(I adore Cody. he's like the love of my life- let's scoop right now.)

dancing and singing,
laughing and jumping,
I'll remember the band practices
when we acted insane.
the guys jumping off of chairs
with their guitars;
remembering that joy that lives in us.
letting loose in the best possible way.

(singing in the band)

discovering me;
my tastes, my beliefs,
what's right for me.
changing and adapting,
facing those changes
but still missing the old me.

standing in front of everyone,
singing and wishing that all of
these kids knew how much of
a blessing they are and wishing
they knew how lucky they
were to be able to worship
with their friends.

one day, the late nights,
the lack of sleep, the low
and high grades, the GPA
and class rank won't matter.

it will be these moments.
the love,
the friends,
the kisses,
the pictures.
these are what
I'll have to remember it all by.

one is the loneliest number.

I found this quote a long time ago,

when I was going through a really

lonely, crappy time.

and it's always stuck with me...

"When you're surrounded by all these people,it can be even lonelier than when you're by yourself.You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anybody or talk to anybody,you feel like you're really alone."

-Fiona Apple