getting married? having kids? whoa.

I am growing up.
I am growing up.
I am growing up.

whoa.

I'm actually able to
start thinking about
getting married.
about having kids.
and it's not completely
ridiculous.

I could be married within
like 5 years and it wouldn't
be freakishly weird.

this clip from scrubs
makes me think
and kind of makes me
want to start that part
of my life sooner rather
than later.

an appalling little tidbit

I discovered, realized recently, that what I pay to go to this lovely university, or what I would be paying without scholarships, is above and beyond (sometimes almost double) the poverty line in America. All I can think is: wow, why do I deserve this?

my new dandelion

I'm a dreamer,

a thinker,

and a doer.

But mostly,

I'm a wisher.

I wish for a better world.

I wish for safety.

I wish for love.

I wish for success.

I wish to make friends.

I wish to be a change.

Wishing is just something

I've always done.

blowing on the dandelion

& wishing for rain.

blowing out my birthday candles,

wishing for the perfect gift.

&now, I see a clock and it

says 11:11 and I wish that

you're looking at a clock too

and wishing for me,

thinking of me.

my last night

tonight is my last night to:

sleep in my own bed.

have dinner with my family.

live permanently in my parents' home.

snuggle with my pup.

be dependent.

I've packed up all of my things --

all of the stuff that I call "my life."

I've neatly folded and washed every piece of

clothing and sheets and towels.

I've stowed every special thing I own

and hold dear to my heart in some box

to be taped up and stuck in my car in the morning.

out, on, and up.

moving out.

moving on.

growing up.

As of Saturday, I will be living in the dorm.

As of August 24th, I'll be a real college kid.

I feel like it's practicing for the real thing.

For when I'm really truly out in the world;

when I'm truly independent and on my own.

And it's scary and exciting and I'm ecstatic that it's here.

So I've said goodbye to all my friends;

hugged each and every one.

And I'm finally ready.

I'm ready to rock and live life.

but tonight is still the last.

and it's still bittersweet.

so good night dear room,

with all my precious things,

I'll miss you all too soon.

saying 'i love you'

She says baby

It's 3 am I must be lonely

When she says baby

Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes

Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it

(3 AM, Matchbox Twenty)

At 1 o'clock, I sat on my bed talking to a comforting friend.

At 2 o'clock, I got up and took a shower to wash it all away.

Now it's 3 am, and I'm sitting on my bathroom floor wishing for sleep.

But I can't sleep, and it's because of one thing: love.

That horribly wonderful little thing that turns the whole world upside down.

Well the whole world doesn't have to turn, because I've fallen.

--even though it's not convenient, even though it hurts, and even though I know I'll have to say goodbye in the end (and the end always arrives much too soon), I have fallen.

This is the type of love that I can't help, I've fallen when I didn't want to and it caught me by surprise.

I've fallen into heartache and tears, but I'd rather be crying with him than smiling with anyone else.

So this is love. This feeling of intense connection and heartache mingled into something I feel I don't even have a choice about.

When I saw the break of day

I wished that I could fly away

Instead of kneeling in the sand

Catching teardrops in my hand

(Don’t Know Why, Norah Jones)

But I wouldn't trade it, this feeling, because I genuinely believe it is better to have loved and lost than… well, we all know that saying. And although it's terribly clichéd, I also know it's true.

So maybe this insomnia is simply a sign that my first love is truly something… he keeps drawing me in. And I know that when we say goodbye, though it won't be forever, it will hurt awfully hard.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that

you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

(Gravity, Sara Bareilles)

so in the end, I guess it comes down to this one little thing:

I love you.

1 4 3

graduation.

High school is over. I've done it! The diploma that was 13 years in the making has finally been reached and I can now enter the big, bad world. Looking back, I see how many people shaped my future and guided me to this place -- my friends, my family, my teachers, my church, my world.

&I can't believe it's over. But it really truly is. Never again shall I step foot in Health Careers High School as a student. And while it feels like a great victory, it also feels like a great loss; Health Careers was my home for 4 years. Four years full of love, hate, victory, loss, hope, despair, hard work, ambition, and determination. I hated it there, but came to love it because of the challenge -- the challenge to make it a place I knew and belonged.

but I know where I'm meant to be, what I'm meant to do, and how I'll get there.

the answer is: social work.

but that whole ideal is to be continued.

thanks Jesus

for dying for me.

you're freaking amazing.

I love you.

:)