finding it all.

Did you know that only 20% of teenagers maintain their relationship with God after graduating from high school? that the other 80% either fall away or just don't have as great of a relationship as before? Well, those are the stats are continually being thrown my way.

You want to know something else? I had already accepted that I would be in the 80%.
Me: the singer in the worship band, the member of the youth group leadership team, the church member, the Jesus lover, the girl who has been branded "Katie the Christian" for the duration of high school.

I needed a break.

I was burned out, broken, and ready for a change. And I had decided: college would be that break. I was counting down the days until I left my youth group, the days until I left my house and was able to skip out on church and sleep in on Sunday mornings.

It wasn't something I was proud of, just something that I had accepted. I wasn't shouting this from the rooftops or even simply telling people, I kept it to myself and just waited.

I had prayed that I would be filled again, that I would feel that passion again. That something would happen to make me want Jesus again... but nothing did. And it grew convenient, I didn't need to talk to Jesus, I didn't need to consider Him in my decisions.

But then, I started to miss who I had been once before. Who I had been for my entire life. I miss that girl more than anything. I want to be her again.

So I waited.

Then came Andrew. He probably doesn't know this yet, but he's changed me. Anyone who meets Andrew can immediately tell he's different. He can make even the most adament non-believer see the possibilities of Christ, because of the way he loves people, he just reaches out to those who need a friend the most. And that's what he did for me.

Andrew started sharing his struggles with me. Listening to him made me see that it was okay to be open about it all. I could tell someone what was going on in my mind and heart. Or rather, what wasn't going on and I felt something inside of me changing, like something was waking up after being gone for a long long time.


So I told him. I told him that I felt burned out and alone, that I had just kind of accepted the I would be apart of that 80%. And he just listened.

Then, this past Sunday, I had a Bible Study at Starbucks with my friends Andrew, Nicole, James, and Aaron, where we read over the first two chapters of James and broke bread with each other. It was amazing! I felt alive for the first time in years. I wanted to learn about Jesus, I wanted to talk about Him and read His word and love Him and others with all my heart.

Talking to Andrew has made me realize that I can share my struggles, so I am. Right here, right now, I'll put them into words.

I keep on going from one extreme to the other; jumping from satisfaction with life to being completely shattered, feeling like I have no one in the world. For a long while, I felt like I didn't have any friends, and even if I did, they weren't good friends, not people I could talk to. No one to listen. I felt empty and alone, and when I would try to reach out to someone, they would shut me down, not take me seriously, or simply leave me hanging. I needed a friend. I needed someone to love me, need me, and listen to me.

And in the past four days, I have gotten that. God has given me new friends like Andrew and Nicole, and helped me renew my old friendships, like that with James, so that they're new in Christ. I don't feel as alone as I did just days ago.

So thank you. Thank you God, for renewing my heart.
I know this is only the beginning, and
I can't wait to see what will happen.

midterms

Midterms are over.
Midterms are over.
Have I mentioned that midterms are over?
Because they are.

and it's suddenly hitting me:
I will never have to take finals in
high school ever again.
I'll be exempting my finals at
the end of the school year, so it's
pretty much over. This is
the last time I will know the
stress that is particular to
Health Careers.
English, Diag, Economics,
they're all finished and I couldn't
be more satisfied.

there.

Scars

He has them.
She has them.
The lines and dashes,
The jagged and smooth.
Even the road has them.
They mean stories and change,
Pain and growth.
Proof that we lived despite it all.
Proof that we lived at all.
We hide them, we boast them.
Fresh and tender, dulled and numb.
Once or twice a year, or maybe
Everyday, we carefully cut
Them open to peer inside ourselves,
Seeing if we're whole again,
Only to stitch ourselves up yet again.
-January 14, 2009

not even in college

I'm not even in college and I already am wanting to change my major. But it's to be expected, I suppose. I had been hardcore on the Communication Sciences and Disorders path, but now I'm thinking I'd like to spend my life working as a humanitarian. I want to help people. I want to go to the places no one else wants to, the places no one else will go and help those people. There's hurting all over this world, and I want to be a part of the effort to stop that hurting. So I'm thinking that a sociology or international studies major might be the way to go. I could minor in something as well, and whenever I feel like finally settling down in the "American dream" I could become a counselor, or I could go back to school, or sit for my LSATs and try to become a lawyer.

Tonight, a friend of mine asked me why I wanted to do this, why it was that I seemed so sure that this was the way to go. I think that I'm called to do this. It just feels right.

but the part that is slightly harder to explain is this: what I'm talking about is not "missions".

I'm not feeling called to missions, but simply to the humanitarian side of it all.

My plans thus far are this: go to Abilene Christian University, get a degree, graduate, go into the Peace Corps, stay there for a while and who knows... if I come back to the states, then I'll try to work with organizations like the Peace Corps, UNICEF, the Red Cross, and others.

My thing is, I just can't picture myself falling into the perfectly laid out, predictable life plan. I don't see myself getting married right away and popping out babies... but who knows, maybe in four years I'll be on that path to 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.

one. fog.

I am one.

One person in the midst of billions.

but sometimes, I forget about the billions,

not that they're forgettable, but they

simply slip my mind. I find myself

forgetting there are people

on the other side of world, in places

I can only dream of seeing.

it's just so hard to imagine 

all of the people in this world;

so I forget about them

unfortunately and

unintentionally.

. . .

The fog.

it closes in on me.

I feel stiffled,

strangled, shoved,

and stowed away.

it hides me, covers me,

keeps me away from the

world. it blurs my vision,

obscurs my views and 

makes me think through 

what I see. it awakens me,

threatens me, and awes me

in ways the rain sometimes

fails to. because the fog is

full, content, and vague.

my heart wants to explode

"I need Africa more than Africa needs me."

these words have just changed my whole day around,

changed my whole mindset around and have

caused to consider life.

I need Africa

more than Africa

needs me.

I have long felt my heart drawn towards the people of Africa.

I haven't been very open about it, but I feel as though some

part of me already belongs with them. I want to help them,

I need to help them. But why?

Is it because of all the hurt and disease?

the poverty and loss of opportunity?

perhaps.

or perhaps it's just me.

I need Africa.

i NEED africa.

it's as simple as that.

I don't see myself as a missionary,

I don't think that's the right path for my life,

but I definitely see Africa in my future.

I have honestly considered the Peace Corp for

years now and I think that might be the way.

Go into Africa, working with those stricken by

HIV and AIDS, give of myself in ways I can't

even imagine. Love them, love them, love them.

the eyes of the children, maybe that's what draws me in.

or perhaps it's the joy despite all the hardships.

the dancing, the beauty, the simplicity and the

misery of it all. I need Africa.

this past year, I have realized just how blessed I am;

I live in a wonderful home. I am healthy, I have

running water and electricity- that is an absolute miracle!

why am I not more grateful?

I have so much, I am so blessed.

I have to share my blessings with others.
I have so much love in my heart,

that I just have to give it away

or my heart shall surely explode.

I need Africa.

there's just no question about it.

Abilene Christian University

I bought the sweatshirt; things must be serious.

This past weekend, I visited Abilene Christian University with my mom and sister. And I have to admit, it was pretty great. I hadn't been to Abilene in the longest time and this time, I actually paid attention to the drive. The four hours in the car really weren't that bad and I got to drive.

Overall though, it was good. Mom, Lauren, and I toured campus Friday morning, and excluding our obnoxious tour guide (Myles was a talker), it was fantastic. The campus is beautiful and my aunt and uncle don't live too far away. The dorm rooms were really big and I felt comfortable on campus. The food was good and the Communication Sciences and Disorders advisor pleasant. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I even bought a sweatshirt. Now, I have an NYU shirt, a Texas State shirt, and about SEVEN Baylor shirts, but never have I bought a SWEATSHIRT! So I now officially have an ACU sweatshirt and it makes me happy.

Basically, I think I'm going to Abilene! Currently, ACU is the way to go!

Another reason I'm really excited to go to Abilene is that some of my family lives there. My mom's sister and all of her kids. All three of her kids are married and two of them have kids, so I can't wait to be around them. My cousin Erin actually started jumping up and down when she found out that I'll probably end up in Abilene; I love them all so much, I can't wait to live near them so I can see them all the time.

Oh! and I loved seeing my sister again. Recently, we've been seeing so much of her and it's fantastic! This weekend, she met me and mom in Abilene on Thursday night and spent one night before heading back to Fort Worth. We had a blast; Lauren and I slept in this little double bed together and let mom have the big queen sized all to herself and we talked a lot before going to sleep. It felt like having a sleep over with my older sister. I like having her around as both my sister and my friend. I like reaching this age when people actually enjoy me, i.e. becoming friends with my sister and cousins (all of whom are older than me).

In conclusion, ACU was amazing.

I bought the sweatshirt, therefore I'm basically obligated to go now.